[CUCBC Captains] Uni IVs Scheduling Constraints

[Tom Grimble]

Captains,

If you are a patient sort, and can afford 10 minutes of irreverence, 
read on. If, however, you are a busy soul, skip to the end and do as I say.

The last couple of weeks have reminded me why I love the summer. I had 
an abundance of daylight, I could go rowing in a unisuit without 
freezing certain unmentionable parts of my anatomy off, and best of all 
I could go sculling in the evenings. Oh, and did I mention that the 
river was damn near deserted most of the time? Sadly, those halcyon days 
now feel far behind me, and it seems almost impossible to imagine that 
they may once again come to pass.

So, that leaves me (and, conincidentally, you lot) stuck with the 
cattle-market that is early morning outings. Rather than mooing a lot 
and tramping around in our own unmentionables of a different sort 
though, I've got a few novel ideas as to how we can make our mornings 
the sleekest, smoothest, least sh*tty cattle market for miles around.

Chapter the first - on 'lighting down'
Lighting down is the sanctioned time at which colleges may boat. By 
'boat', I do of course mean 'push off the hard, and start rowing down 
the river'. By 'time', I should also like to highlight that the point at 
which 'boating' is permitted is a fixed point each day. A certain 'St 
Swithin's' College (not their real name, obviously, though casual 
observers may find amusement in guessing to whom I am referring) might 
care to note that this is a fixed time, not some sort of bastardised 
variant on the one popular 'price drop TV' format. You can't really have 
0.5ct of 'pure diamondium' for £4.76, nor can you legitimately boat 
earlier than that time listed on the CUCBC website. At least, not 
without incurring some rather steep 'P&P charges' thinly veiled as a 
financial penalty on those incapable of telling the time or abiding by 
the established rules.

On the topic of 'lighting down', I'm sure that our gentle reader will 
indulge me in a slightly off-topic (though, I feel, useful) diversion 
into the intricacies of 'lighting'. (Don't worry - this won't become a 
Moby Dick-esque trawl through an irrelevant and dull amount of technical 
baggage weighing down the rather depressing hunt for the great white 
whale - besides, that sort of New Hall girl hasn't been spotted on the 
Cam in years anyway). Lighting down is, of recent years, something of a 
misnomer. Lights are still required at lighting down (no matter how St 
Swithin's feel on the matter). All boats must therefore take care that a 
steady, bright, white light is clearly displayed at either end. If you 
really (really) want, you may also display a steady red light on your 
stern, to indicate the rear of your boat. However, please do not boat 
with a red light on your bows - you will (as did our third honourable 
Swithinses yesterday morning) give a misleading and potentially 
dangerous idea to other boats as to which way you're going. Though in 
their case, they may well have been faster backing it down, and so I'll 
forgive them this once.

Perhaps our gentle reader would here benefit from a brief extolment of 
the virtues of lighting. When the morning is overcast and dim, or when 
mists swirl romantically over the reach, obscuring all clear view and 
judgement of the potential formal swap (/boat) ahead of you, a light 
will guide you. It will tell your cox when to easy (and, if you're very 
lucky, when to play hard-to-get, should you come across our mystical 
fourth St Swithin's boat of veritable sirens). Even a faint glow in the 
distance is enough to cry out 'here goes a boat - be on your guard!' 
(lest they drag you to your collective ruin in Cindies). No glow 
whatsoever, however, gives out the message of 'you may be able to see a 
dim whitish grey pointy thing in the mists - here goes the snout of an 
unfortunate badger who met with a watery end'. (The snout of a badger, 
of course, resembling closely enough the shape of most boat sterns. 
However, badgers are generally less appealing guests at formal). A 
little bow-on-snout contact is almost inevitable, though bow-on-stern 
should be saved for bumps.

Chapter the second - on the rest of the outing
Sadly I'm running out of steam on my allegorical trip from boathouse to 
lock. There are a few points though that I'd like you all to note:
1) When paddling away from the boathouses, the rule is 'half crew, half 
slide' unless you're being held up by a crew. This applies to everyone, 
no matter how much practice you think you need at pulling with the arms.
2) When spinning at the lock, please wait your turn. If all boats spin 
one at a time, it really does make things easy. Just look at the 
Head-to-Head marshalling pattern. (Please, whatever you do though, don't 
refer to the Winter Head model. Just don't. Our mornings are already 
busy enough without trying to cram an extra 869 boats into the 
marshalling zone).
3) Having spun, please paddle out of the spinning zone before pulling in 
to coach. This ensures that other boats will be able to spin quickly 
without worrying about harpooning your 5-seat with their bows (Moby Dick 
still far too much in mind, it seems...)

Here ends my lengthy diatribe - though for once I've managed to get 
through it without making unfavourable comparisons to any boot-shaped 
European countries. Seeing though as Berlusconi always made me think 
more of a mole than of our unfortunate consumptive badger, this isn't 
too surprising.

BUSY PEOPLE - START READING HERE

So, you couldn't face my round-about rambling? Or you just didn't 
understand? In either case, here's the bullet point summary:

1) Don't boat before lighting down - it's not playing fair, and you'll 
be fined
2) Be suitably lit, with a bright, steady, white light visible on both 
ends of your boat. Anything else (especially red) is misleading and 
potentially dangerous, and you'll be fined.
3) Warm up using at least half-crew, half-slide, unless obstructed by 
traffic ahead. Otherwise people will think uncharitably of you, and 
(guess what), you'll be fined for being a nuisance.
4) Spin in order at the lock - it's a lot quicker if everyone waits 
their turn
5) Paddle out of the spinning zone before pulling in to coach. It makes 
it a lot easier for others to spin.

And finally, play nicely.

Regards,

Mark Jacobs
CUCBC Safety Advisor and self-appointed rambling git